Shit! what does one do with that kind of information? Seems arbitrary.
Here’s a recap for those joining me later than others:
I am in Philadelphia, where my father lived while he was still doing that. I grew up at least partially here, and after this past weekend, I am reminded how much acceptance and love I was given right from the get go. I often feel like I have been oblivious to the things around me, maybe taking them for granted, maybe just not being too aware, maybe unattached or unaffected? I think I do pay attention, at least more now. So if you are reading this and I spent the weekend with you….I really care for you and appreciate you. But I travel a lot, partially for little explainable reason, and I am not huge into talking on the phone usually.
Which is good, because I misplaced it somewhere between California and Vermont. “Lost” or otherwise set, placed, or any other word that means I have no idea when where or how it could be wherever it is. Check tent two, maybe?
Anywho. I still have your numbers and all that. Somewhere.
I drove from California to Denver, it was My younger twinnish brother’s birthday. We saw some great music, hung out, helped some friends move into their first adult house! We were there for maybe a week? Then I flew here to Philadelphia about a week ago, drove to Vermont, watched some really good friends get married, and celebrated another rotation for myself as well. Drove back here. Now I fly out tomorrow evening, back to Denver, drive to Moab and then back to Northern California for the autumn. I will not speculate where I will be after that…not publicly, as I tend to change my mind or the circumstances change my mind or my mind changes the circumstance.
But I want to go south! I have some new(er) paths I am following. They are mostly only new in execution…I am bored by not being completely active in my own life. This past year has taught me so very much.
I am in better shape than maybe ever in my adult life. I have learned so many great lessons in self love over the past few years, taught originally by some very special people, most of whom I can’t claim to know. This self love is becoming more of a driving force, rather than a thing I say “I know I should” about.
It is a reason to live, something to believe in. I searched a lot in some dark places for this kind of feeling, until they became too taxing to haunt. Then there was a moment (a series of waxing and waning shifts) where I was sure that nothing matters at all. This would vibrate between nothing and everything having meaning. I think now about it less. It is clear we are experiencing something (whether real or not depends who you talk to). So I’m just going to experience.
I have fallen in love! I don’t know that I could say that I ever fell OUT of love. Because I can’t. It isn’t possible in my universe. I have made bad choices, and lost friendships and failed so hard….but. I get to do these things, and I can do it however I would like.
Look at the mirror. What do you think? Why do we think anything? We (some of us) struggle with judgement of others. I think we can all be the slightest bit nicer to ourselves in the mirror. Become who you know you are, which might be different than your goals currently. It can take a while. It is taking me FOREVER. It takes all of us a full lifetime to become it….
I am happy to not “be there”, to have work to do. The work, the walk the process of life is the only real goal of my life. Can’t fail!
I turned thirty this weekend. I decided to really embrace this idea, give myself to myself for the birthday. So happy to be alive. So happy to be happy. I used to drive myself in circles about it….now its just one long sometimes washed out road and these very, very dirty feet.
Please, wherever you may be, say thank you to you. You can’t give yourself time, but you can take time from yourself. It all belongs to you, well, and me too.
Let’s be kind to us. If you aren’t ready yet, that’s cool too. I got you’re back when you’re ready to come along.
Kind of actually bursting with love. Thank you.