Inclined Toward the Defining of Fears

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All is well, making progress on so many projects that comprise the big project of life.

It has been important to my little journey to identify fears, categorize them as real or imagined, and ultimately (hopefully) put them to rest. It was difficult at first to admit to myself that I had fear…it seems most of us folk that get stuck on the idea of freedom and an unattached lifestyle live in a state of denying our fears. I have more recently been hanging out with them. Old friends who are lovely to catch up with, but just as lovely to part from, understanding why we grew apart in the first place.

One of them that I have recently been chatting with has been causing odd behavior in me! I become defensive, overly giving, short (or even silent) when this little guy rears his head. I am afraid of being an asshole. A self serving jerk that takes what is useful, and leaves all else. A thief that steals in and out of situations depending on who knows what criteria. The interesting thing is this- How the hell would I know if I am this or the opposite? and What is the difference?

I hold full intentions of treating others gently, of being considerate–but it doesn’t always come out this way, for sure.

so what to do?

I have decided to be very mindful of this. I react very strongly when it seems someone is even nodding in this direction. I am trying to remain gentle in my handling of myself and others, and just taking the reaction however. I am looking back and forth, attempting to discern lessons from the times I feel I have mistreated others. I don’t know that it makes any sense to try to locate these folks…it makes more sense to forgive myself and live in a way that illustrates what I think a human ought to illustrate. When I get to the core of the whole damned conversation…I hold myself back from being fully me, fearing reaction or failure or strangely, success.

Seems the grand answer to this is to just fully recognize myself, my dreams, share my talent, be of some sort of service. Within myself, I am attempting this…it is spilling out into my interactions with those around me, and I feel shaping my own perception of myself as well as that of others.

But what is really important is showing my gratitude for all of it, the good and bad, the mundane….the only way I can see really doing this effectively is by using the precious moment of now to it’s fullest. I will create with fervor, share my gifts and challenges, accept help, sit quietly when it makes sense, wait patiently while actively seizing opportunity.

In any case, this is the mindset I am inhabiting when I can.

Happy winter. Love from the Mid-Atlantic.


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